


Tracing Shadows

by SarcasticSargassum



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Character Study, Hurt No Comfort, Juno Steel Needs a Hug, Other, Overuse Of Parentheses, POV Juno Steel, Pining, Post-Episode: s01e18 Juno Steel and the Final Resting Place, Sad Ending, Sad Juno Steel, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, so if thats a trigger for you proceed w caution, this feels like it qualifies as emotional self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:42:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27311353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarcasticSargassum/pseuds/SarcasticSargassum
Summary: Everything left unsaid in a Hyperion hotel room.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev & Juno Steel, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 11
Kudos: 22
Collections: RECORDING IN PROGRESS





	Tracing Shadows

There’s a moment, when one of Juno’s legs is off the bed and his hand is still close enough to Nureyev’s face to trace the curve of his Cupid’s bow with one finger if he wants to. (He does want to- so badly it hurts. He wants to run his hands through Nureyev’s hair, curl into his absurdly long limbs and fall asleep again. He wants to see Nureyev fall apart under his fingertips again and again; in this momentary fantasy, Nureyev always looks at him like he did that night- like he matters, like there’s nowhere else this thief who could have anyone and anything would rather be. He wants to see that smile one last time and then a thousand times after that, pointed fangs and glowing eyes reflecting the ambience of everywhere Nureyev wants to take him.) (He wants- He  _ wants _ , and that’s the problem.) 

Juno rips his hand away like he’s been burned and slides the rest of the way out of bed. It hurts, seeing Nureyev’s fingers still outstretched towards the vacant space in the sheets. With every piece of clothing he pulls on, something in his chest shatters, paper-thin porcelain dropped off the highest skyscraper in Hyperion. Maybe that’s why he does it. Juno Steel’s broken a lot of things- Martian artifacts, bones (his and others’), trust, promises… so hell, why not break his own damn heart? 

He considers leaving a note. He’s  _ been _ considering it ever since- since when? (When was the moment he knew Peter Nureyev would be better off waking up alone?) He knows it would hurt less if he told himself it was a sudden impulse, that he only decided to betray the man sleeping beside him after they’d fallen into bed, after they’d bared their hearts with whispered confessions. (So, of course, he tells himself nothing of the sort.)

He doesn’t leave a note. He knows what Nureyev would do if he did- probably use it as scrap paper or rip it to shreds in the hotel wastebasket, move on before his old face can even hit the ground behind him. (Because Nureyev’s not the type of person who keeps a note around for the shape of a cursive N, for the cologne that sticks to the paper, who’d nearly fall out the window trying to get it back.) (Because Nureyev’s not a fool.)

Turning around is a mistake, because it means he sees Nureyev again. He’s shivering a little- why do hotels always crank the AC so high? Normally, Nureyev towers over him- a combination of his unfair height and those stilettos he insists on wearing everywhere- but he looks so small like this. (Juno knows that’s a cliche- and isn’t that just so on brand for Juno Steel, hurting so many people his heartbreaks have  _ cliches _ .) Before he knows it, his feet are pulling him across the floor to stand beside the bed again. 

He pulls the covers over Nureyev and smooths them out. Every movement of the sheets is a silent apology, a  _ this is for the best, Nureyev, I promise  _ folded into the fabric. It’s gentle, tender in a way Juno will never be able to give him when he’s awake. (Nureyev’s screams echo in his ears when he passes over the still-healing wounds on his wrists.  _ A momentary inconvenience _ , he’d called it- and suddenly Juno knows Nureyev will be just fine.) 

That’s the thing, isn’t it? One of many, at least. At the end of the day, Nureyev deserves better, and eventually, he’ll know that. He can’t let that happen- can’t watch Peter Nureyev, the impossible thief who steals starlight like it’s spare change, realize he’s not worth the trouble. Or even worse- Nureyev somehow decides he’s worth keeping around and pays for it with scars and sleepless nights. (The last time Juno saw someone with the stars in his eyes tied down to a monster, it ended with a laser to the head and Sarah Steel sent away for thirty-five to life.) So Juno doesn’t touch Nureyev as he tucks him in. That’d be- what had he said, back in the chamber?  _ A gift I don’t deserve.  _

There’s a moment in the doorway, when Juno’s shadow spills across the bed and lands in Nureyev’s empty hands. (For a second, Juno wonders if it could stay there forever.) He freezes, looking back one last time at the shape under the covers, and- for a heartbeat, he can  _ see  _ it. In the sliver of neon that sneaks through the curtains, he sees the life Nureyev promised them, a diamond-studded future together. Thousands of cities on hundreds of planets, and in each one Nureyev says his name like it’s the only thing that matters. 

Then the real Nureyev shifts in bed and opens his mouth and whispers, “Juno?” 

(That’s what breaks him, he thinks- even tangled with sleep, his name on Nureyev’s tongue still feels like an outstretched hand. An unspoken  _ come back, don’t leave me. _ ) 

It would be so easy to obey, to go back to sleep in the arms of the thief who promised him the stars. To wake up to a sharp-toothed smile, eat breakfast together, actually  _ talk _ about what they want. Because he knows Nureyev’s not an unreasonable man- if Juno tells him he can’t leave Hyperion, not yet and maybe not ever, but that he doesn’t want this to be the end, Nureyev would probably listen. They could figure something out- not the whirlwind of adventure Nureyev wanted, sure, but it would still be  _ them _ , together.

And that’s kind of the problem. Juno wants that so bad it hurts, and that’s how he knows he can’t have it. (Since when has anything good happened when Juno Steel got what he wanted?) He’ll rip his heart out here and leave it on the hotel nightstand, and he’ll deserve the loss that shocks his system with every step away from the closed door. 

It all comes back to that- because at the end of the day, when Juno turns his back on the hotel room and walks out into the Hyperion dust, it’s what he  _ deserves _ . 

(Because he’s not just a fool, he’s an idiot if he ever thought he deserved Peter Nureyev.)

**Author's Note:**

> I have 10 other WIPs for Penumbra fics and instead I looked at the end of Final Resting Place and said "y'know what I don't actually feel like being emotionally stable tonight." I hope this made you as sad as I was writing it because YIKES Juno's mean to himself. Mista Steel I love you b lea se,
> 
> Comments and kudos always mean the world to me!! If this hurt you, I have a few other fics up that'll hopefully raise your spirits. Feel free to check them out if you enjoyed this!!
> 
> Have a wonderful morning/afternoon/night/whenever you're reading this, and Happy Halloween!!


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